Sam Allardyce needs to stop talking about Everton

After such a promising performance on Saturday, it feels wrong to even consider looking back on the disappointing 2017-18 season, but recent events have necessitated one more look at an aspect of last season.

That aspect, unfortunately, is Samuel friggin’ Allardyce.

Look, I want to leave Sam Allardyce in Everton’s past just as much as everyone else does. In fact, I probably want to forget about him more than most, because I had to write about his tactics on a weekly basis for six months last season.

But we’ve reached a point where somebody needs to compile the moronic things he’s said in the past two weeks, make fun of him mercilessly for them, and create a universal moment of catharsis to put this fully and completely behind us.

Today, I will try to be that somebody.

Let’s start with Big Sam’s stellar analysis of the Toffees’ transfer window needs before deadline day. Allardyce, in his infinite wisdom, publicly said that Everton needed to add a new left-back to replace the aging Leighton Baines the day after Lucas Digne signed for the club.

Now look Sam, I understand that not everyone can be brilliant enough to add Luke Garbutt to the club’s Premier League roster just to shove him on the bench for one match and then forget about him, but if you’re going to go on TV or radio, the least you could do is as much research as when you staked the future of West Ham United on Andy Carroll and Stewart Downing.

If I came to work having done that little research on projects directly assigned to me, I’d be fired within a week. Apparently the same treatment on English television gets you into the role of a regular contributor.

Let’s fast forward to Deadline Day, during which Allardyce managed to get outsmarted by a chair, but keep his job on TV anyway.

While trying to defend his tumultuous-at-best tenure, Sam brought up one of his marquee signings from the January transfer window. Now, in Sam’s defense, both Cenk Tosun and Theo Walcott appear to have been good signings, and supporters should be thankful that those players remain under Marco Silva’s reign.

But Sam, you lost just a touch of credibility when you noted that you had signed Tosun from Olympiakos.

Now, I don’t suspect you’re the sort of fellow who looks at a map too often, but here’s an important note.

Olympiakos is in Greece. Besiktas, where you actually bought Tosun from, is in Turkey. As you can see on this map, they are not the same country.

You didn’t even manage to mix up Besiktas with Galatasary or Fenerbahce — other clubs actually in Turkey that people who pretend to know a lot about football mix up all the time.

Utterly incredible that Sam can’t even mention the one thing he did right without getting it wrong!

His most recent stumble is my personal favorite. I’m sure you’ll be shocked to discover that Big Sam doesn’t appreciate the direction Everton is currently going in and thinks that one of their big signings will be a bust.

I guess that makes sense, given that he stated he wasn’t impressed with Yerry Mina’s performances for Brazil at the World Cup. Well neither were we, Sam — since Yerry’s Colombian you unforgivable dunce.

I truly enjoy how Sam’s lack of geographical knowledge extends beyond Europe into South America. If you’re going to commit to being the dumbest pundit around, why not broaden your horizons and incorrectly identify multiple nations as well.

Next time, would you like to tell us how New Zealand’s Tim Cahill would have been better off playing for you at Bolton? Or about the time you nearly convinced Canada’s Tim Howard to join you at Blackburn?

Even better! Why don’t you tell us that you tried to sign Idrissa Gueye from the country of Africa while you were at Sunderland? You just know Allardyce is the type of person who would call Africa a country.

There are other examples I could give — like Allardyce criticizing Arsenal’s approach against Manchester City despite the fact he conceded nearly 85% possession against them with Everton last season.

But at the end of the day, you know he’s not bright, I know he’s not bright, and we’re all better off pretending he doesn’t exist. But it truly boggles the mind that a man who has been in top flight management for so long could consistently get such basic information wrong, to the point where you begin to wonder if maybe he’s not all there in the head.

At any rate, good riddance you Lookman-chasing, Gylfi-wasting, geographically-challenged, diet-breaking, miserable excuse for a tactical dinosaur. Keep your mouth shut about Everton next time someone is stupid enough to pay you for your opinion.