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Everton will score 836 Premier League goals this season

Plus, other absolute certainties for the Toffees upcoming campaign

Brighton and Hove Albion v Watford - Premier League Photo by Bryn Lennon/Getty Images

If you didn’t have a chance to watch the launch of the Marco Silva era at Everton when they took on ATV Irdning on Saturday, you missed what can only be regarded as the greatest performance in the history of sports. Ever.

Miracle on Ice?

Buster Douglas?

Who is that?

You want an epic performance?

How about the Ass Whooping in Austria?

In case you missed it:

So what did we learn from this historic and unprecedented result?

Let’s take a look at some of the rock solid conclusions we can draw from the Toffees opening match.

  • Everton look poised to octuple the record-setting 106 goals Manchester City scored last season.
  • Ademola Lookman?
Southampton v Everton - Premier League Photo by Catherine Ivill/Getty Images

More like Ademola “Look-man-he’s-going-to-win-the-Ballon d’Or”

  • Concede a goal? The Toffees will barely concede possession.

  • Cuco Martina came on as a winger and picked up 2 assists. Can you say Gareth Bale 2.0?

(I mean he DID score this goal)

  • Speaking of Arsenal, if you think last season’s Manchester City side made the ‘Invincibles’ nervous, imagine how the ol’ Gunners will feel when the Toffees are 10-0-0 having already racked up over 200 goals.
  • Following a campaign in which the Toffees suffered 11 league losses on the road, traveling Everton fans will surely enjoy the upcoming campaign in which the Toffees will win every road match, even their European....oh wait...never mind.
  • Sandro Ramirez will never score another professional goal in his career.
  • Similarly, Yannick Bolasie will be beset with stomach ailments for the entire season.
  • However, Maarten Stekelenburg will never GIVE UP another goal in his soon-ending professional career.
  • Youngster Mateusz Hewelt will likely not play behind Jordan Pickford, but won’t have a save to ever make even if he does.
  • Leighton Baines will bid farewell to Everton at the end of this season having scored 38 goals, none of them from setpieces.
  • Fan favorite Oumar Niasse will capitalize on hooking back up with Silva, his former Hull boss, and supporters will surely enjoy each of his 152 tallies.
  • Kevin Mirallas’ parting gift to Everton fans will be a miraculous 190 goals, leading to the Bramley Moore stadium having a bathroom named after ‘Super Kev’.

While I don’t know much, I do know the above facts and figures to be true.

Looks like it’s going to be a season to remember Everton fans.