Happy Friday!

Let’s get weird!

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This is impressive:

Everton will take one CB like this, please:

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Let’s take a closer look...

Toss it into the ol’ google translator...

Ok...

So why would Gana be concerned about people having babies in 2018 and not 2019?

Let’s work through it together.

My first guess was that the Senegalese midfielder likes even numbers.....but he wears 17 so cross that off the list

My second thought was that 2018 is the Year of the Dog in China, and the dog is a sign of good luck, so he wants people to have good luck...but that notion is, well...

So with those two ideas out the window, I suppose we must apply Occam’s razor:

Occam’s razor just means that when assessing complicated issues and searching for solutions, one should go with the answer that makes the fewest assumptions and is generally most logical.

Here’s the only logical explanation:

Gana, using the Premier League as his platform, is secretly working to build an army of young people around the world who will rise up and take over the planet in 2036 and he wants to make sure that the entirety of his army is of general adult age (18) so that he can’t be held liable for their actions and can maintain plausible (and legal) deniability.

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What a great question!

First, I’ll be completely honest and admit there is little to no chance 10 year old me wouldn’t have blown my chances of the first three close games of any given season.

In fact, I looked it up, and I can guarantee you I would have blown my three chances on the first three losses of the 1995-1996 season:

0-2 vs Arsenal

2-3 vs Manchester United

2-3 at Nottingham Forest

While those nine points would have catapulted Everton to 4th in the table, it would have also have left the Toffees a heartbreaking one point behind Liverpool.

HOWEVER, for the sake of this exercise, let’s assume 10 year old me (1995) has just been given my three chances AND the wisdom not to blow it.

Which three games WOULD I change?

To be honest, I didn’t find it that tough to choose.

Unsurprisingly I found three matches from the FA Cup, a source of immeasurable pain for Toffees fans for the past two decades.

While each game was heartbreaking in it’s own right (Everton led in two of the three and were beaten late in the other), the theme is obvious:

Everton should have won a trophy, and WOULD have won a trophy, if I had these powers since hitting double digits.

So, let’s pick the games, in the order I would apply my newfound powers:

1. 2008-2009 FA Cup Final

1-2 Chelsea

This was the MOST obvious one as a result change here would have directly led to Everton collecting hardware and getting the monkey off their back.

After taking the lead after only :29 seconds through a Louis Saha volley, Everton gave up the equalizer on a Drogba header in the 30th, before a Frank Lampard rocket won the Cup for Chelsea.

The 2009 team had everything from talent to panache, and deserved to win a trophy.

Unfortunately, it was not to be.

2. 2011-2012 FA Cup Seminfinal

1-2 Liverpool

While the Chelsea match saw the Toffees lose the Cup after seemingly have one hand on the trophy, this loss to the Reds may have left the most lasting heartbreak.

Just as in the previous match, the Toffees took the lead in this one when Nikica Jelavic put away a scuffed Liverpool clearance.

Everton were comfortably in control when Sylvan Distin played the best through ball of his career.

Unfortunately for Everton, Distin’s through ball was for Liverpool’s Luis Suarez who unsurprisingly finished off the move by slotting past Tim Howard into the bottom corner.

At that point an Everton loss felt inevitable, and when Andy Carroll, of ALL people, flicked a header in to win the match, it felt like an encapsulation of everything that had been going wrong the past two decades.

Only a few years later, the Toffees would have a chance to rectify their FA Cup past:

Spoiler alert: they didn’t.

3. 2016 FA Cup Seminfinal

1-2 Manchester United

I’ll be honest, I forgot just HOW heartbreaking this match was.

• A missed Lukaku penalty. (BAINES WAS ON THE PITCH!!!)
• Former Toffee Maroune Fellaini scoring on a deflection
• Wayne Rooney pulling all the strings
• A complete breakdown in the back to let Anthony Martial win it.

To this day, I will never understand why Lukaku took that penalty. Baines is one of (if not THE) best penalty takers in Premier League history.

(I mean I DO know...EGO...but just saying)

The worst part about this loss?

Manchester United would go on to win the trophy having to face Crystal Palace in the final, a match best remembered for Allan Pardew’s goal celebration jig:

Of course Pardew’s celebration’s were cut short when Man United pegged back the Eagles and took the trophy.

Hard to think the Toffees wouldn’t have subjected Palace to the same losing fate.

We’ll never know.

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TOFFEE TUNES

Bobby Tarantino II

Logic

Logic is the man.

He speaks honestly about his mental health struggles and suicide (his biggest hit is the title of the Suicide prevention hotline 1-800-273-8255), and his lyrics always leave you thinking.

This mixtape is no different.

FAVORITE TRACK: Overnight