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Should Everton sign Usain Bolt?

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Fans have suggested it. Do not engage them.

Central Coast Mariners v Macarthur South West Utd Photo by Matt King/Getty Images

Let me answer this question in less than 9.58 seconds:

No.

This would be like asking if the White Sox should offer Michael Jordan a major league deal in the mid 1990s. Bolt is an absolute legend in his sport, and the fact that he’s a world class athlete with some background in footy means he’s better than most of us at the sport. But Everton is a big side in one of the very best leagues in the world. It’s not a shame to say that we’re way over his head.

Bolt is a famous athlete, we’re a club with a ton of money, Twitter says that the idea has sprung into a few supporters’ heads by now.. and they should just let it go. Here’s the best moments from his A-League debut in Australia:

The A-League is not bad, but it’s miles below the English Premier League. As a target man, we see moments where he pops off the screen as an athlete. Fine. But you’ll also notice he doesn’t actually do much. He’s a finishing tool at that level but a Premier League center back isn’t going to give him that little resistance. Blinding pace has not always succeeded at the highest levels of the game.

The fact that the only European club that have stepped forward with a somewhat serious interest in Bolt is a Maltese side (FC Valletta), should tell you how ridiculous a thought this is.

I wish Usain Bolt well. I hope he scores a bunch of goals in the A-League and gets a few years of this football thing under his belt. He’s an incredible athlete, he’s worked hard, and he deserves what he gets, but if some genuinely big club goes for that PR stunt/marketing gimmick, I certainly hope it isn’t Everton. Surely we learned something from that Wayne Rooney experiment last season.