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Everton signing Vermaelen is a terrible idea

Defender simply can’t stay fit enough to play

Arsenal v Everton - Premier League Photo by Michael Regan/Getty Images

If Everton are indeed interested in signing one-time decent defender Thomas Vermaelen, then they better be investing a new physiotherapists’ office down at Finch Farm. Taking a quick look at the center half’s injury record is not recommended without solar eclipse glasses because the glare is liable to blind even James McCarthy, whose medical history will be framed and displayed prominently at the Football Association of Ireland’s offices in Abbotstown, Dublin.

The Belgian defender has played in a total of 33 games in the last three years for Barcelona and AS Roma, missing long tracts of time with various ailments that require medical degrees to even spell... what in the world is pubalgia? He does seem made for Everton though, considering he is already out with a knee injury just three weeks into a new season.

Thomas Vermaelen injury history

The Echo are reporting that the Blues are considering a season-long loan for the defender with a view to purchasing him at the end of the season. This seems like an incredibly short-sighted decision if accurate, and does not ring true with what we have seen of the purchases made by the Toffees so far this summer.

Aside from the fact that he hasn’t been a good defender since the term Brexit was first coined, Everton using the perenially-injured player as cover is the kind of hilarious concept that belongs in the kitchens of Fawlty Towers.

In Ronald Koeman’s system, the fullbacks are expected to provide dynamic support to the attack by creating width and bombing up and down the pitch. Quite how the plodding Vermaelen will make it up and down the left touchline on crutches we don’t understand.

The Blues backline is one of the oldest in the Premier League and adding another octogenarian is certainly not the way to reduce the average age in the Blues defence. Any one of the absolutely terrible options mentioned so far would be better than Vermaelen.

Liverpool v Arsenal - Premier League
Vermaelen in his now-familiar pose on the pitch
Photo by Clive Mason/Getty Images

Everton run the risk of ruining a summer’s worth of good purchases of players and goodwill with the fans by making some dubious purchases right on deadline day - let’s all sincerely hope that buying the Belgian defender is not one of those impulse buys that happen when you’ve had a few too many pints and at 2 a.m. find yourself torn between calling your ex and buying a leather recliner with a built in back massager that costs a full three months worth of your salary.