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Sandro to be announced at England/Germany U-21 semi-final?

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Satire alert! We imagine what Sandro might have to say about his protracted move to Goodison Park

C.F. Villanovense v F.C. Barcelona - Last of 16 Copa del Rey Photo by Denis Doyle/Getty Images

In a stunning turn of events, it appears as though the imminent(?) signing of Sandro Ramirez from Malaga will take place at halftime of the England vs German U-21 semifinal**.

Now, some might be surprised to hear that this the deal will be formalized today, especially as there have been numerous false reports on the timing of the deal between the former Barcelona man and the Toffees.

The diminutive striker has been quite focused on his efforts to help Spain bring home a U-21 European Championship, and once the deal wasn’t announced before the tournament kicked off (as was done with Jordan Pickford) it was assumed that it would be formalized once the tournament concluded.

Of course, Everton fans being the tortured group they are, were forced to watch as Spain progressed to the semifinals today against Italy.

So, why the rush?

Well, let’s ask Sandro himself:

What compelled you to agree to finalize the deal in the middle of the semi-final round?

Well, initially I wanted to wait until after the tournament, but in all my down time I have been acquainting myself with Everton’s fan base, including their ravenous twitter following. It became evident to me that this deal needed to be done as soon as possible.

Why do you say that?

Well, it appears as though Everton has had a dubious history in the transfer market, especially when it comes to closing seemingly locked up deals. After reading about the poor fans experiences with Riquelme and Lucas Perez to name a few, I didn’t think it was right to make anyone wait a day longer.

Aren’t you concerned about being distracted from your semifinal match against Italy?

While most people would assume that I would place my loyalty to the country of my birth over a team whose local area I visited once are dead wrong.

Yes, trying to win a European Championship and stake a claim for a place in the senior Spain side in the lead up to next year’s World Cup ARE important, but I just couldn’t go one more day knowing the angst I was putting Dave from Liverpool through by not formally announcing the deal as soon as possible.

Those poor fans have to sit around and wait for a picture of me holding a Blues kit before they can TRULY assess next season.

Who am I to leave them in wait? How are they supposed to put together their desired lineup for next season without 100% knowledge I will be part of the squad.

Why halftime of the England match and not just your own?

By doing it at halftime of the England match it will be much easier for all Everton fans to join in the festivities as most all will be watching the match already.

I’m really just trying to make this easier for the fans at home.

While I can appreciate your dedication to a fan base you haven’t had any interaction with, how are the logistics of all of this going to work exactly?

Well, there is definitely some maneuvering to be done it will be worth it!

There are three hours between kickoffs, so I have plenty of time to get it all in.

The venues aren’t too far apart so it should all work, just take a look:

At halftime of the England match, I will come out at Tychy Stadium, giving England fans in the stadium and at home alike the opportunity to relax about possibly losing me to a ‘bigger’ club.

As soon as the presentation is over, I will get into the car and hustle back to the Stadium club Cracovia.

Assuming all goes to plan, with one hour at the England match and one hour of travel I will still have a full hour to prepare fo rmy own match.

Sure, it’s a sacrifice, but who am I to make all those poor Everton fans wait for announcement while I pursue my life-long dream?

How selfish would that be?

Will the club be sending anyone for the presentation that you are aware of?

Yes, they mentioned that some guy would be here to take pictures, but didn’t give me a name.

They just told me I would recognize him.

David Harrison’s passport gets another stamp

Any last thoughts for the Everton fans?

I would just like them to know how sorry I am for making them wait so long to take a picture holding a kit. It has been totally self-centered of me to ask to wait until the end of this international tournament and I hope they take my efforts today as a sign of my UNWAVERING dedication to the club.

I promise I will do everything in my power to make up for the emotionally tumultuous two weeks I have put them all through, I hope they can forgive me.

#COYB!!

**Disclaimer - this is clearly satire and not an accurate take on the Sandro transfer story!