German media links Aubameyang with Everton

BREAKING NEWS: Everton actually signed Thomas Tuchel instead of Sam Allardyce to be manager.

Apparently, it’s July all over again. A new coach, a couple wins, and all the preseason hype about how Everton was arriving at the big time is back. So sure, let’s embrace this thing. According to Bild, Everton are sending scouts to watch Pierre Emerick Aubameyang play against Real Madrid.

For the curious, PEA’s scouting report breaks down like this:

He is scoring a goal every 96 minutes in the Bundesliga this year.

Whatever scout convinced his boss to let him go on this trip is just a genius. “Hey boss, I think I need to go see a Champions League game at the Bernabeu, the team Real Madrid is playing has a striker who I think would be great here.” His presumably drunk boss (or Farhad Moshiri, one or the other): “Sure, go right on ahead, we need a striker.”

On the off chance (read here, impossibility) that PEA actually would be even remotely interested in coming to Everton, you don’t need a professional scout to go evaluate him. He could be restricted to only ever touching the ball with his off foot and still be the Blues’ best striker by miles.

Aubameyang is an extraordinary talent, and I could easily believe he’s dissatisfied with Dortmund. I could even believe that he fancies a move to the Premier League, but he is not coming to 10th place Everton. As a club, we’re going to get there one day, we’ll have those quality of players as we fight the biggest names in Europe, but not this season.